Gwenyfur

Confusion Reigns

2006-10-05T04:09:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a bit, but it's been an eventful and hard bit. Kaydra's settling in at the School of Music, Hubby's doing well in his job, and we've been approved to buy a house...so now we get to seriously start shopping for houses. I am so sick of renting...I can't wait!

Kira's still loving her new school, and I think it's great that she's happy again. The twinkle has returned to her eyes.

On the downside, I've been sicker than a dog from these treatments and medications...but at least it's almost over ... sometimes you have to wonder of the cure isn't worse than the disease...

ah well, at least I'm alive to raise my baby girlie

Murphy's Law

2006-08-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

Well, it's nearing graduation time. Kaydra starts the Crucible at 0200 Eastern Wednesday. 54 hours of prayer for her and her fellow recruits of Oscar and Echo companies. Those kids are truly going to be in the weeds for the next few days. They'll be hungry, sleep deprived, sore, and mentally exhausted only half way through...But they've trained for 10 weeks for this....They'll be fine...

In the midst of all this, my husband goes and pulls the most stupid stunt possible. In the process destroys any and all faith or trust I had ever had in him...So once again I'm out on a limb and on my own.

My youngest starts her new school at the end of the month, and I'm excited for her. She's ecstatic to be going to a Christian school where she won't be picked on for saying grace over her lunch. She does love Jesus so much!

Now for the huge blessing...

Since I was a little girl, I have prayed that my dad and I could meet and have a good relationship. I've wept for him time and time again over the years...And yes even as an adult there were times I'd wanted him in my life so bad it was crazy. My uncle gave me away at my wedding because I couldn't find my father, he missed the birth of both of his grandchildren, he missed the years even when I was growing up...
Well, we finally found each other...And he's been searching for me for several years.

Here's the kicker...He's been in contact with my mom and grandma for years, and they both refused to tell him where I was! They admitted it so I know he's not lying. I'm so grateful to finally have an answer to prayers that started when I was 6 years old...And have lasted until now...And at the same time, I completely resent that they made that choice for me...Even *after* I was grown to adulthood. The lies and deceit presented to me over the years make me wonder if anything mom and grandma ever told me was true...

But, I'm still praising G-d...I get to see Kaydra, and meet my father all in the same weekend, cause he's coming to her USMC graduation at Parris Island!!!!

G-d moves....Sometimes not like lightening, but prayers are answered...No matter how old the "problem" seems to be....After 30 years, He didn't forget to give me back my Daddy.

Life moves

2006-07-10T15:39:00.000-05:00

I tell ya, the more time passes the easier it gets to function. Kaydra's been gone for over a month now, and she's nearly 1/2 way through her recruit training.

I seem to live for letters though. Nearly every week she sends me 2 letters telling me of her days, the trials and tests that she's passed and other things they're doing. She has a few new scars and more bruises than she can count, but she's surviving. The mind games are starting to wear on her though...she's a tough girl...she'll make it.

She lives to get letters and pictures just as I do now...and while it seems normal to be at the mailbox when the mail arrives and pester the postman...I believe he thinks I've lost my mind...he always looks scared when there's nothing from Parris Island in the mail...I don't understand why.

Kira is adjusting to her sister being gone, but she still misses her terribly as well. Having a sister so much older than she was, it was more like living with a favorite aunt than the usual sibling rivalry.

Her step dad and dad miss her a lot too...I guess we're all in a cycle of worry and relief when the next letter arrives...

ah well...time passes...and the days count down until we see her again...

It's going to be okay

2006-06-05T22:04:00.000-05:00

Despite the recruiter's advice not to go to the airport, I was stubborn and went anyway to spend that precious time with my daughter. And it's a good thing I did!

We talked about a lot of things and nothing...we just talked, and I began to realize what a wonderful young woman my daughter had grown into. Her dedication to music and the Corps.

And G-d gave me peace...the peace to realize my job in raising her was done...and now I am to love her, support her and encourage her, but that she's His child and in His hands and it will be okay...

and yes...I'm going to survive this!

I'm proud of my girlie!

She's gone

2006-06-04T21:46:00.000-05:00

My daughter left tonight with her recruiter at 1800 hours. I did manage not to cry, and even managed a smile and a wave as she left and went out of sight.

Though now, my heart's breaking. I feel as if the best part of my heart has been ripped away leaving nothing but a throbbing painful emptiness behind.

To top the night off perfectly, her little sister decided to pull a disappearing act. She went out to play, and missed her checkin.

Turns out, after canvassing the neighborhood, she was across the street playing in her friend's house. Way after dark!

I felt my whole world crumbling for those panicked moments...as if both my children were stolen from me...

Dunno how I'm going to weather all this...cause right now... it feels horrible...as if nothing really matters anymore...

A Few Extremely Short Days Left

2006-06-01T13:15:00.000-05:00

She's leaving Sunday afternoon...

We've spent the week getting ready for the big send off Saturday. Though, the one thing she did ask for...the cream cheese mints, I had trouble doing.

I made the mint mixture just fine, but I couldn't get them out of the molds and wound up sobbing over stupid mints!

G-d bless my hubby, he saw how upset I was getting, and not really over the mints, just over everything, and he molded over 400 of them for me...he sat there for 3 hours just putting mints into the molds with colored sugar.

When she did come home, she had cut her hair off really short so she won't have to mess with it so much while in recruit training. And while she's usually worn it fairly short...it's pixie short now...

My youngest is starting to get the blues about her big sister leaving...she's her hero after all..

Me...well other than falling apart over stupid mints, I'm hanging in there...she's yet to catch me crying ... except for when she curled up on my lap and well then we were crying together...so that doesn't count...

I just want everything for her party to be perfect...and lots of pics to embed in letters we send while she's at Parris Island.

My little hero is all grown up...and now she won't be just my hero...but a hero for our country as well...she'll become a Marine...

One Week

2006-05-28T01:59:00.000-05:00

It seems such a small amount of time...and it truly ...

One week until my daughter leaves for recruit training with the US Marines...one week remaining that she's a child under my roof, then she leaves a young girl...and 13 weeks from then..will return a young adult, and a Marine. One of the fewer the prouder the women Marines.

While part of me soars in pride the other part of me sits in cold desolation that my child is flying the nest...

My husband thinks I've lost my mind...my mother is clueless, and my friends think I'm crazy for letting her go...

I do know this...I'm going to miss her!

30 days

2006-05-06T02:07:00.000-05:00

30 short days from now and my 17 year old daughter will be standing on the famous yellow footprints of Parris Island South Carolina. While my spirit soars at the goals she has set for her life and already met...my heart breaks at she leaves my nest and ventures forth on her own.

The United States Marine Corps...there's a future...she will learn self discipline, motivation, perserverance, and that's just recruit training...from there she will learn the skills that all Marines have...marksmanship, martial arts, and common customs and courtesies.

Yes, she's made the USMC Band, yes, she will be playing her French Horn...will she be in Iraq any time soon...No...for that I'm grateful...

But...I also find that I resent any hour that I have to be away from her before she leaves...
The 12 hours shifts 3 nights a week seem to be an evil intrusion on my private party of grief and loss mingled with pride.

No, she's not dieing, no she's not dead...she's just going to be gone...for 12 weeks...with nothing more than a few letters to let me know she's doing okay...that she's in one piece...that she's alive...

We've been through so much hell together ... she's been a part of my life since I was barely 18...and now...she's leaving...and I'm not sure how to let go...I'm not sure how to be without her near... She's been the reason I've kept fighting and stayed strong all these years....

and now???

she's leaving...

and I don't know how to keep fighting anymore....I don't know how to stay strong....

All grown up

2006-04-10T05:16:00.000-05:00

My oldest daughter's prom was Saturday night. She's a senior in high school this year and graduates the 15th of May. I can honestly tell you this is fast becoming the happiest and hardest time in my life.

I am amazed at the strong young woman she's turned out to be. Her faith in G-d and her values...her resilliance to hardship and her ability to see the good in a situation...even when it's something terrible.

I am also about a depressed as I've ever been in my life. She's joined the United States Marine Corps. She's about as girlie as a girl can get...and she's an extremely talented french horn player...and she did make the USMC band so she'll be armed with that and not an m-16...but still...it's the Marines...and she's my baby girl.

She leaves for recruit training on the 5th of June and with that...she leaves home for good. She will only come home a couple of times a year on leave...and for short periods of time at that...

One part of me is so proud of her that it's about to burst...there are only 12 bands with 65 players in each one...and she got a spot in one of the bands! That's amazing...anyhow... Only 5% of the US population can claim the title of Marine...and only 6% of that Marine population are women...so she's really set a goal for herself....I just well...I've spent 17 years protecting her, nurturing her, and loving her...and now.... the time has come for her to leave...

I don't know that I'm ready for her to leave....while 17 years seems like a long time....it flew by so fast I blinked and she's a grown young woman! When I think about her, or speak of her my mind pictures this vibrant extroverted happy young girl of about 10....and she's grown up!

All things as they are I know she's only on loan from G-d for a short time....but I never realized exactly how short that time would feel.

I love you kiddo...I pray for you daily, and I know G-d has a wondrous plan for your life.

Semper Fi baby...

Trials, Reminders, Peace

2006-03-27T02:22:00.000-06:00

Trials

I was staring into an abyss of emotional darkness, perceived failings, financial crunches, the approach of an emptying nest, middle age, marital discord, and illness combined to send me spiralling in a world of hopelessness and despair. All around me everything I seemed to love crumbled into the dusty ashes of "what could have been"

Reminders

As I tumbled through life for a couple of weeks lost in that hopelessness, the faithful ladies of CL continually prayed for me, my daughters, my husband all of us...for guidance, for peace...all out of love. Even sent flowers and a teddy bear ... ya know it really is the simple things in life that bring a smile and open a crack in an icy shell of suffering.

Then, a couple of nights ago, one of the few men on the board posted a simple question...what does this scripture mean to you...

Peace

I was at work when I opened up BibleGateway.com and looked up the Scripture he'd posted, and as I read the surrounding passage nearly started crying. Sucked up more tears as I posted the meaning it had for me...and once done went and hid where I could really cry in peace...(production floor!!!) In that scripture he'd posted, G-d had reminded me of one simple truth. I am His. His wisdom is so much more sound, His power so mighty, His ways unclear and His Son my deliverance in this as in all other things. I was reminded of His love, His faithfulness, His power…and in all those things, I again found peace, contentment, happiness, and am no longer staring at an abyss of emotional despair, but stand on the other side, having crossed the trial on the bridge built by the promises of G-d, the love and prayer of friends, and the hope of that which is to come…

Feel the Love!

2006-03-01T00:59:00.000-06:00

I find as a member of one forum and a mod at another, I enjoy the latter most...

It's quiet, the members get along, and it's so uplifting to know that these ladies are so faithful to pray for me, as much as I pray for them.

G-d is so good to have led me to CL, What I'd been searching for so long He finally let me find. A Christian site where the ladies act and edify each other as christian women should...

I must say I am a member of another site, where I seem to stand alone amidst the storm of theological debate....I now take that in small measures and rest in the peace and tranquility of moderation and posting at CL....what a haven it's been for my battered spirit...

2-16-07

2006-02-16T08:22:00.000-06:00

I've spent a wonderful night at work doing the usual and making copies of Kent Hovind's DVD seminar.

The ladies at ChristianLadies.us are really good company and I had a fun time laughing with them. They're always so uplifting and praising of G-d and His wondrous ways.

I pray they are as blessed as they bless me!